The Last Christmas with Her.

The Last Christmas with Her.
Christmas is the best time and the most be awaited moment in a year. Because for me, it’s the most perfect time to talk, share, laugh, or even cry together with our family, cousin, sister and brother, or even grandma and grandpa. But sadly, the older we all get, the less delight we get from Christmas. First, I’m the youngest from 13 cousins in our family. Other cousins have to work, or take part time job, or even other things that could make money. And they always have an excuse for that. I felt so sad about that and always said to them “can you just take a day of on Christmas?” When they said they can’t, I felt so pissed and angry to them. Because they make family as a second important thing. I know I feel sad because I can’t meet my cousin, but the most terrible thing that make me sad, was to saw my grandma sad. She can’t even saw her grand children on Christmas.
She always said to all of us, “you don’t need to give me present or even money, because I don’t need those thing. The most important thing is to meet all of my grand children gather on.”
After her husband died, she is getting weaker every single day. And then one day, her liver cancer, also known as cirrhosis hepatitis, it’s getting bigger, like it’s eating half of her body. It’s getting more enervate; even I know she was trying her best to not show her sickness to us.
It was 24th December 2014. We picked up from her house to our home. So she could stay for one more night with us, before Christmas.
She arrived with a pale face, limp feet, and a big smiley face greeting everyone in our house. She was smile gladly. When she saw me, she was smile even bigger and gladder. Rushing to walk to me, so she could kiss me. I already felt loved by her, only by a kissed on my cheek. So I guide her into her room.
After she put all of her stuff in her room, she walked to the lazy boy chair. I asked her if she want to eat something. Then she said, “No thanks I’m good.” Like always. I ask her again, do you want some jelly? She said “okay, just a little maybe.”  So I get her a small jelly. She always love that jelly. But this time, she didn’t finish it.
After she died, everybody feel so lost. Not only our family, but also her closest friend. When they came to the funeral, they cried hysterical and they also shared their reminiscence with our grandma. Although I’m crying hysterical too, I’m still listening to their story. And that makes me thing for a while, like how could they know so many detail story more than i am? And that hit me really hard. I think i didn’t use my last time with her as much as her friends did. I was just too busy caring about myself. I was too selfish. 
When all of my family celebrate and open the present, under the Christmas tree, I don’t know why I don’t feel really happy. Because some cruel mind passed my mind, “I think this is my last Christmas with her!” But I try to think, “don’t even think like that, I have to think positive!” I really want to share that thought to other people, but I’m too scared. I’m too eerie that they will say, “how there you think like that!” So I just keep that words on my heart and try not to say it out loud.
I’m not ready to meet new people, because I’m not ready to lose them.
Maybe I should’ve be sad for her lost, but this time I choose to be happy, so she doesn’t have to feel or be in the pain. And because of that, all of our family gather around and getting more closer with each other.
She died peacefully. You know what? She was even smiling like there’s no pain or even ailment.
Only a marriage and bereavement, of one of our family member that could conjoin our family for a terminable.
It is hard to let go someone that you love and it’s pretty hurt that to remembering the great memories with her. But this time, I choose to be happy. Because God would allow her to sit right next to Him and let her meet her devotion again. Also, she doesn’t have to feel the pain anymore.
Maybe she’s smiling because she’s happy could make our entire family gather again.

She’s like a super woman. You’re irreplaceable.

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